Author's Note: In truth, she only sued me once, and the case was thrown out of court because she'd already exacted her revenge in the form of a bullet to the... leg. Ahem. But this is how I expect the world would be if I behaved as you lot like to pretend I behave.
The desk was polished mahogany, and large enough that it required Havoc, Breda, Falman and Fury to move it.
"A little to the left," said Hawkeye. "I'd like the afternoon light from the window."
The four junior officers strained and pushed the desk towards the window.
"Straighten it up!" Hawkeye barked.
Fury struggled to get his corner in line.
"That's a nice desk," said the Colonel, watching from the doorway to his office. "Don't you think it's a nice desk, Havoc?"
"Delightful," Havoc groaned, pushing it with all his weight.
"Please stop eyeing up my desk, sir," Hawkeye said in a tone of long-suffering.
"Why?" asked the Colonel. "The judge didn't declare it an extension of your body, did he?"
"No, but I would rather you not mar my victory with the sort of thoughts I know perfectly well you're having about it, sir," said Hawkeye.
"If it's any comfort to you, you're not the one starring in them," Mustang said. He slapped Havoc's ass. Havoc jumped and let go of the desk, bringing the whole operation to a standstill. Mustang grinned and headed back into his office, pulling his door shut behind him.
Hawkeye said, "I don't understand why you don't sue him, too. Everyone else has."
"It's not like it stops him," Havoc said. "This was, what, the fifth time you've sued him?"
"Purely for verbal remarks," Hawkeye said. "He left off the random groping after the fourth suit."
"And you got awarded a desk," Havoc said. "What does that do to him? Nothing. Because they can't touch him. State Alchemists can do anything."
"We're making progress," Hawkeye insisted. "I imagine we'd make faster progress if we could present a united front, Havoc."
"There's no point," Havoc said. "Falman lost his case because the judge said a 'man of his stature' couldn't possibly be threatened by a man of the Colonel's stature. I'm practically as tall as Falman. It'd be just the same."
"At least I made my feelings known," Falman said. "He'll continue to act as if you want his attention if you don't try."
"If you all hate him so much, why don't you request a transfer?" Havoc said, folding his arms.
"I don't hate him," Hawkeye said, exasperated. "And I don't want a transfer. I want to be treated with respect in my current position. That shouldn't be too much to ask."
"Do you want us to finish getting your desk in place or not?" Havoc asked.
Hawkeye sighed. "Pull it out from the wall a bit. I'd like to be able to fit my chair back there."
Havoc did not join his fellows on their exodus to the mess hall, but no one thought anything of this, as he habitually spent half his lunch break outside smoking. Mustang elected not to join them either, which was somewhat odder, especially considering his casual, "Carry on, I'll be down as soon as I finish with this stack."
Nonetheless, they all went, leaving Mustang alone in the office, and therefore missed this exchange:
Mustang put down his pen, went to to his window, pushed it open, and called down, "All clear! Come back in, Havoc."
"But I haven't finished my smoke!" Havoc protested.
"And put that out!" Mustang added. "I've got something else I'd like to put between your lips." With that, he pulled his window shut and headed to the outer office to await Havoc's return.
Hawkeye, by far the most efficient member of Mustang's staff, was the first to finish lunch and return to the office. When she arrived, Mustang was sitting at her desk. Havoc was sitting under it.
"What are are you doing in my chair, sir?" Hawkeye demanded.
This, being Havoc's first warning of her presence, startled him into hitting his head on the desk drawer. Mustang's hand reached under the desk to push his head back down.
"According to, ah, article twenty-one, section twelve-B," Mustang replied, "the largest desk in the office is to be used by the most senior officer."
"Sir," said Hawkeye, "I am going to go down the hall for a few moments. When I return, if you and whoever made that thump have not removed yourselves, I will be forced to return to the judge and get a restraining order to keep you away from my desk."
Mustang waited until he heard the door slam behind her before before he said, "That woman has the most remarkable peaches."
Havoc pulled his mouth away from Mustang to say, "If she hears you talking like that, you're going to get sued again."
Mustang rolled the chair back from the desk enough to look down at Havoc. "She's been pushing for bigger and better hardware, the last few settlements. How do you feel about firearms?"
Havoc blinked. "Scared?"
Mustang looked disappointed. "Oh well. Maybe she'll get more office furniture. A nice, new filing cabinet."
Havoc said warily, "How, exactly, are you wanting to defile the filing cabinet?"
"Oh, I'm sure we can think of something," Mustang said airily. "Finish me off, won't you? She'll be back soon."
With a sigh, Havoc bent his head and went back to work.